My Failed Attempts at Flirtation

IN the past few weeks I have been "rebuked" several times for my lack of dating desire. I have been called "eternally narrow-minded" and complacent. I was pretty sure those accusations were correct, so I decided to go about changing my ways. I made a concerted effort this week to be... "better". Let me share with you a story.

Last Sunday was Stake Conference for the BYU 9th Stake (at least I think we're the 9th Stake). I attended in the BYU Tabernacle with two of my roommates, who we will here call Fwesley and Feric-for reasons of nondisclosure. Fwesley, Feric, and I (Fryan) were seated in the balcony, to the right of the podium, close to the choir. As the choir stood up to perform their first musical number, Fwesley leaned over to me and commented on how cute "the girl with glasses" was in the second row of the choir. My opinion very much coincided with his. Fwesley asked if I thought she was cute. I accented to said cuteness and the meeting proceeded on as scheduled. Fwesley then dared me to talk to "girl with glasses". After the conference, Fwesley and I went to talk to some members of the choir who are members of our ward. As we left the choir area, Fwesley nudged me, whispering indiscreetly that "girl with glasses" was right behind us. We turned about, saw girl with glasses, and bolted for the door. Somewhat disappointed, I told Fwesley on our walk to the car that if I ever saw girl with glasses again, I would at least talk to her.

Sunday afternoon passed peacefully, and Monday morning came swiftly. I woke up at 7:15am, showered, ate breakfast, and was out the door at 8:05 to my 9:00am philosophy class. I was seated in the front row, not by way of choice, but of necessity (I lost my glasses). Shortly before class was to start I saw a figure sit down next to me. This figure was wearing glasses. I looked to my right and immediately recognized girl with glasses. I fuddled through my thoughts of techniques of how to talk to girls and ended up blurting out, "HOW'D THE HOMEWORK GO FOR YOU?" at a decibel that is hardly socially acceptable. It was early and I hadn't talked yet. She, a bit startled, responded that she'd forgotten to do the homework. I responded, "Oh." And was out of things to say. We exchanged names and talked a bit about the class and that was that.

Wednesday again I attended 9am philosophy. A figure with glasses sat down next to me. I had been dared the previous night to try and ask her on a date. I consented. With all the absolute creativity I possess, I turned to girl with glasses and ask, "How'd the homework go for you?" In my eye was a sort of flirty twinkle. She responded, "I didn't have time to do it yesterday." Again, my conversation reservoir was depleted. Class began and we talked a bit amid lecture. We confirmed names once more. I forced a laugh, she forced a couple, and all the sudden it felt like we were having a real conversation.

The bell rang and we continued our talk on a walk to the next class. I found out that she works at the MOA museum as a tour guide. I put a little pep in my step and with all the flirtatiousness I could muster, asked cooly, "So what does one have to do to get a private tour at the museum?" The shot was fired, the investment deposited, now I just waited for the expected return. She looked at me perplexed, and responded flatly, "Oh, we don't do private tours. If you just go to the desk, though, you can look up times for group tours and..."

I have decided to never try flirting again in my life. Or at least not for another 6 months.