Saturday, November 6, 2010

Have I Got A Story for You

Around 10:30pm last night I was standing on a dimly lit basketball court watching my date clutch her nose in pain, tears streaming from her eyes, while I profusely apologized for having potentially broken a number of bones in her face.

My name is Ryan Williams--and this is my story.

I said to my cousin last night as she got in the car and we discussed my awkward lifestyle, "I am quite possibly the most awkward man alive." She didn't believe me then, but I'm sure I have her convinced now. We went on a double date last night. I set her up with a friend and she set me up with a really nice girl. The plan was to go to Pleasant Grove and attend a "Clothing Swap" at a local Yoga club. We walked up to the door at around 9:00pm as people were filing out, only to learn that we had barely missed the event. This was really no big deal and we even got invited to host a "Clothing Swap" of our own in Provo, but it left us with the decision of what to do next. We drove around for a few minutes brainstorming great date ideas, until one popped into my head, and sealed the fate for the evening. I remembered I had a basketball in my trunk and we weren't too far from the secret basketball court behind the Riverwoods shopping center. Don't bother looking for it, you'll never find it!

So, we parked the car with the headlights facing the hoops and played a fun round of "H-O-R-S-E". After the game, my date and I started playing a quick game of one-on-one. There was laughing, there was scoring, but there was about to be a quick change in the geniality of the evening. All I really remember from 10:29pm last night is dribbling up to the top of the key, stopping there, and thinking, "How cool would it be if I kicked the ball in the hoop for the last point of the game?"

Now, compare that last sentence with the opening paragraph of this post. Yeah, you guessed it. I drop-kicked the ball into the air, but with a lot less loft under it than I expected. In fact, it was more like a bullet--and my date's nose was the destination. Of all the body parts ol' Spalding chose to connect with, it was the one that most easily produces tears, blood, and awkward silence. I essentially kicked my date in the face. That being said, she was a really good sport and I couldn't have asked for a better date. But this just chronicles how truly bad at dating I am.

My roommates enjoyed that story last night, along with the other ward members that came over to hear it, as well.

But such experiences will not keep me from the dating world, no sir. No amount of blood, or tears, will prevent me. And yes, I realize that is only a saying. I will really try not to draw any more blood or tears from my future dates.


  1. Oh my goodness! Ryan, did she really break bones? This is a great story (I think you are an awesome storyteller). I hope she gets better soon. Bring her plenty of flowers and maybe some cookies and I bet she will forgive you.

  2. This could be my favorite dating story of all time. Love your writing, if it makes you feel any better about the events of last night. And I feel somewhat responsible for "The Incident" because I believe we were the ones who introduced you to the secret court. Sorry for the role I played in this latest dating disaster.

    On another note, was this "the girl with glasses?" If so, did you break her glasses? If not, good thing because those glasses could have resulted in some black eyes. :)

  3. bwahahahahahahaha Ryan this killed me. I could totally picture the whole thing happening: you dribbling the ball to the top of the key and then I can totally see you thinking that! hahahaha I hope your date is okay though.

  4. it might mean love....I accidentally sent John to the ER when we were dating. But that's another story.....

  5. Can I just say that this is theeee most hilarious dating story I have ever heard? Mikey broke his nose last weekend (getting head butted by another guy while playing soccer), so of course the whole thing is a lot more hilarious and ironic to me, and of course I showed this post to Mikey. He enjoyed it.

  6. Good for you, Mr. Williams! "Courage brethren! And on, on to the victory!" Ha ha ha! Loved the story. Super sad about her... but pretty funny!!!